My beloved son,
The words I will be writing to you are far to long in coming. I should have spoken to you many years ago. I was always too busy and so sure that there was all the time in the world.
Did I ever tell you how hard I prayed for you. I always knew my child would be a boy. I nearly gave up home on that day that the doctor told me that I would never have children. The doctor said the scars in my stomach were as old as me. I knew that to be true because violent acts committed against me at such a young age. I looked forward though and I did give up hope. I knew in the pit of my stomach that I would be your mother although I did not know it would be YOU.
We decided then to adopt.
They told us that our chances of getting a newborn were nearly zero. The waiting list was long and it would be at least 2 years before we would be considered. Son, I prayed to God. I pleaded. I begged.
You my miracle came to us 6 months later. The most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen. So tiny. Nine days old. What a miracle that we received. To know that God gifted us with such a miracle and trusted us with your life.
Did I tell you that your father and I could not agree on your name. He wanted the names William Anthony. I wanted the names that you have today. You father eventually gave in and we went with the names we gave you. What is amazing about this story is that your birth mother gave you the names William Anthony.
Do you know that God has your name written on the palm of his hand? It is written in scripture in Isiah 49:16 "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
I have never seen that as coincidence but part of God's miraculous works.
I will never forget the look on your father's face when they first put you in his arms. It was the most joyfull look I have ever seen. He would not put you down. He kissed your hands, your face, your little ears and the top of your head. All he said was "Beautiful."
That was the beginning of your story. That was the day we became a family. Twenty years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. Where did the time go? Do you know how loved you are? Do you have doubts? Is it enough? Can you see all my mistakes?
I ask my precious son because I do not know how we went from then to now. Now, instead of holding a precious child, I sit each night fearful for you. I become anxious as the time comes when you will walk through the door. I pray and pray and pray some more Will we argue again? Will your words slur? Will you eyes be so red that the white is all but gone? Will you be high?
How did we go from such a miracle to such a disaster? Where did I go wrong?
Mom
